I met a couple today whom I would never had met had I not been working where I do. I would never had sought them out, since we probably would have never run in the same circles in life. In fact, I feel guilty for having pre-judged them.  They seemed like they might have been stuck in the sixties, and those of you who know me, know that I am just a wee bit hesitant about anything sounding or looking like the sixties. God, forgive me.

These two people, however, I realized after speaking with them for a brief period of time, were kindred spirits, and I am sure that their words will remain in my thoughts for years to come. In a way they will haunt me. You see, he was a sculptor and I found the fact that he was the creative type intriguing.  So I asked if he ever got in a slump - thinking of my own "slumpy-conundrum." Instead of answering, he asked me a question. "What do you do?" I told him that I wrote, but I have been having trouble putting something down on paper.

He handed me his card which read, "Don't become famous for something you don't like." I think I wept inwardly for several things: the wasted hours not writing, the wasted hours writing for a faceless audience, for the stories in my head that have waited so long to be told, and for the the stories that I had wanted to tell but didn't and so now they have vanished.  What a revelation.  I smiled and explained that I think I had been so concerned about what everyone thought of my work and it frightened me to the point where I didn't do what I truly wanted. 

His wife interjected for a brief moment and explained that her husband was a writer AND a sculptor and that he actually sculpted what he wrote.  He beamed as he explained that he loved what he did and he never allowed people to dictate to him what he should either write or sculpt.  He challenged me to not be concerned with validation from everyone. That there would eventually be someone who liked what I did. 

Now all of this said, neither of them told me something that I didn't already know. I just needed to be reminded, yet again, that my unique voice can stay just that - unique.  And I don't need to constantly seek approval,  guidance, or even validation for my work.  I can be myself and even incorporate everything I love into what I do and make a difference - even if it is just within my own soul. So, thank you, my new hippie friends who I will likely never see again.  What a blessing you are and what a difference you have made in my life. (Hmmmm....sounds like a song I once heard...) Who knows, maybe there is enough of that hippie attitude buried in me to get me to break free of the inhibitions that are keeping those words from being written.

Dear Family and Friends,

Another year has passed us by and don’t we all wonder where it went? I think the better question I think we all dread, deep down, is “did we make every moment count of this last year or did I waste it away?” I will be honest, I probably didn’t use the most of every moment. I wasted some opportunities, but other times I grabbed life with both hands and screamed “Let’s go!” It’s been a bit of a roller coaster this year in certain areas. Mainly my work.



Work: I left Lifeway after a beautiful experience. It was difficult to say good-bye, but I wasn’t able to keep my head above water. I was drowning in bills that I had no way of paying. But they were gracious in keeping me in their prayers and I found a full-time job. Even though it ended very abruptly, I know there was a reason the Lord had me there. I may never know the reason. But the Lord was gracious, as always and gave me enough time to grieve and take care of some things before He opened up the door for me to be where I am now. I work as a desk clerk at Super 8 Motel - the same company I worked for 27 years ago (my first full time job). I love what I do and I love being a joyful presence for people when they pull in from everywhere in the nation and just need a respite. I thoroughly enjoy what I do!



Personal: I have a sweet man who has been a part of my life for over a 18 months now. He is my best friend and we are in hopes to settle down sometime next year. If things go according to planned, next year I will be signing off on a Christmas letter with a whole new signature. Gerald has been a rock for me and has been a source of growth, both spiritually and emotionally. I love him with my whole heart and feel totally blessed that he “smiled” at me in May of 2012.

Passions: After taking a little hiatus from writing, I am back in full swing. I don’t write as much in my blog, but I do have random thoughts I enjoy sharing, even if nobody reads them. I write that blog for my own sanity, hoping that in the process someone is helped or encouraged by it. Check it out sometime: petramcmahan12.blogspot.com. The crux of my current concentration is on my fiction writing right now. I am plugging away at a story that is something I must get on paper. I have given myself a deadline on next summer to have something down so that I can start the publishing/marketing process. I will try and keep everyone posted on the progress and MAY even give sneak previews! Please pray that my resolve will stay strong and that the Lord will bless my efforts. Along with my writing, I am trying to narrow my focus of crafting. I have pretty much given up the stamps, which some of you will understand was difficult for me. I have done some crocheting this year and hope to continue to make projects that will continue to put smiles on a few faces.



 Family: My sweet man has a passion for all things genealogical and has caused me to swing into action as well. I have been compiling all of the research that has been done by several members of my extended family. It is a time-consuming process by very rewarding as well. I found an ancestor with whom I share a birthday. SWEET! I have been working with a cousin to attempt a family reunion in 2014. It will fall on what would have been my Grandfather’s 99th birthday. It will be a special time. Some of us cousins haven’t seen each other in over 30 years. Should be a blast - from the past, even!

(Frank and Ella Mae Todd)


Spiritual: I had started going to another denomination of church for a while this year, and even though I liked the people, I felt the Lord calling me on. I am blessed with a man who allows me to search for where I can thrive in, not only church, but in my daily walk with the Lord. We are still trying to find the church that suits us both, but until then we are enjoying visiting several until we find “it.” And for those of you who are raising the eyebrow or even furrowing your brow, I do know that church isn’t the same thing as my daily walk. My daily walk is fair. I have room for improvement, but I believe I am better than where I was a year ago! May the Lord be with all of you this next year and may you see His grace in every aspect of your lives. He is good, not by our standards, but His and His alone! Just for fun: I have a pear tree off of my back deck and the landscape is the view from my trailer. Beautiful, right? Very pastoral.

 

Matthew 1:20-25 But when he had considered this, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, “Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife; for the Child who has been conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit. She will bear a Son; and you shall call His name Jesus, for He will save His people from their sins.” Now all this took place to fulfill what was spoken by the Lord through the prophet: “Behold, the virgin shall be with child and shall bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel,” which translated means, “God with us.” And Joseph awoke from his sleep and did as the angel of the Lord commanded him, and took Mary as his wife, but kept her a virgin until she gave birth to a Son; and he called His name Jesus.

My prayer for each of you this season is that you will be able to more fully appreciate Immanuel, knowing that now, as believers, we have “God IN us.” as well as God WITH us. And let us thank the Lord for His gift of salvation, not just a baby in a manger. For that baby didn’t stay an infant, PTL!!! He grew to redeem us. I am thankful that my “God with us” died, was buried, and then was resurrected so He could be my God IN us!

In His grace and mercy,
Petra

Grandmothers

The other day I was driving to work and I was thinking about the word "grandmother."  I wondered when that phrase originated.  I honestly don't think it started in the old testament, did it?  Maybe you can correct me, but I think the first time the word is mentioned in the Bible is in Timothy when Paul mentioned Timothy's grandmother, Lois.  Interesting.

So then I got to thinking about my own paternal grandmother. I know that my dad called her "mother" and sometimes "mom" and I called her "grandma".  I am not sure what the rest of the grandkids called her (let me know if it's something different, please).  But I wonder what she would have said if one of the grandkids had called her "meemaw" or "granny"?  I have a feeling she would have found it slightly disrespectful.  Grandma was very formal and liked traditional names.  (Dad was the only boy who didn't have a biblical name.  But I digress.) In Germany, where my mom is from, the grandmother from the family is known as "Oma" and at least one person who responded on my FB page said she can attest to that.  There really is no variation to that name.  Every woman old enough to be a grandmother enjoys being called "Oma" because that is tradition.

I remember an aunt (who shall remain nameless for this post) say that she didn't want to be called "grandma" because it made her feel old.  I can understand that.  I don't like being "miss" one day and the next day be "ma'am", but that's the way it is.  There is no guile in the term, it is a term of respect.  And I believe my grandmother and all those who came before her  believe the same way.  I wonder how many would roll over in their graves if they heard other grandmothers referred to as "Mamaw," "Grammie," "Nana," "Memaw," "Granny," or even be referred to by their first name.  Now, I'm not saying it's wrong or anything. Truly.  I'm just wondering when we, as a culture, got to the point where we are so informal with regard to those who have earned every single grey hair on their heads, whether they color it or not.

As for me. Well, I many never be known as "Grandma" or even "Oma" to anyone.  After all, my own children don't even refer to me as "mom" anymore.  But hopefully I will continue to be "ma'am" to a generation who still has an ounce of respect to give to his/her elders. Although, I must say that I am more than ready to be a grandmother to anyone who is willing to let me spoil them....and I don't even care if they call me "Grammie Petra."

Obsessions

A person could walk into my home and spot my obsessions fairly easily - even if I try and cover them, hide them, and bury them.  I LOVE movies/TV and books.  But one genre you will not find in my collection of movies is documentaries.  And in my book collection you will find that my fiction collection far outweighs the non-fiction. Why? That is a very good question.

It's not that I don't want to learn anything. But at the same time, one could look at my non-fiction bookshelf and see that I am more interested in bettering myself emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  Unfortunately, I look at the titles adorning that shelf and I really can't say I have improved much.  Sad, but true. And what of the movies?  Well, I have exercise DVD's that would serve better as coasters for that tall glass of sweet tea!  My favorite "non-fiction" movies are those that trasport me to another country.  Or maybe to another hobby.  You may have guessed, through previous blogs, that I totally enjoy cooking. But I also love decorating.  In fact, at one point I thought of getting my degree in interior design.  Well, that didn't happen.

And what of my fiction shelf? Well, I do appreciate good writing, but at the same time I like to be transported to another time or place.  You will find a variety of authors nad titles, perched precariously on that tall shelf - mostly because I have separated those books I have not read yet from the "read" ones (and the stack is getting taller by the day).  I have been asked to read new genres.  I have attempted that, truly, but I don't get very far.  They just don't take me to places that I enjoy.  Know what I mean? 

The most meaningful books and movies are those that cause me to either re-evaluate myself or cause me to change in some way.  Yes, I do get that from fiction.  Yesterday I watched a movie that caused me to really think about my writing.  Does my writing imitate life or does my life imitate my writing?  I look on that last sentence and I am blown away!  It's like that common question, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"  Well, I will tell you that my "Journey" blog definitely comes after my living life.  It is a consequence of my choices, good or bad.  But some of my fiction writing...well, that may be another story.  Am I writing scenes that I hope one day to live?  Am I formulating characters that I hope to become? 

Things that make me say "Hmmmmm...."

Mother's Day

So today we, in this nation, celebrate Mother's Day.  It's a wonderful tradition I think.  I mean, after all, we all have a mother - it's biologically impossible to be alive without one, right? And we should all want to celebrate the fact that moms are a special. 

Today I was remeniscing with my mom about my childhood.  I remember that she never complained about not having money.  She made clothes for my Barbies with leftover materials from her sewing projects.  She would even play with me when nobody else would.  She, I believe, instilled in me creativity.  She made me feel loved and special.  We moved every couple of years and it was difficult.  Family was everything to me - because it HAD to be.  My brother was my playmate and my mom did everything she could to make my life as pleasant as possible.  My mom is the best.  I have a German nickname I call her and we laugh at the silliest things together.  She GETS me.

When I was a kid I played with dolls. Why?  I loved to mother those little dolls.  I took them everywhere with me and loved them.  My mom and dad, when they could afford it, would buy me dolls that did "real" things so that I would not be disillusioned about motherhood (that's what I choose to believe now).  As a teenager and young adult I loved kids to the point where I wanted to be a teacher.  I wanted to have a hand in shaping the minds and hearts of little ones.  I wanted them to know they were cared for and appreciated.  There was a period of time when I was in high school where I made a big deal out of NOT wanting to have children.  Why?  Well, I would never tell anyone this, but I was afraid of pain.  I did get over it though.

Well, I eventually did get over my fears and gave birth to not one, but two, children.  And I didn't want to stop so adoption was the next step.  So my dreams of having babies came true and I gave everything I had to them.  I was accused of ignoring everyone around me and only thinking of them.  I homeschooled them and spent all my time thinking about how I could best take care of them.  I took them to some wonderful places for field trips and I made their favorite meals - or at least tried.  I woke up in the middle of the night to soothe their hurts and took them to the hospital when it called for that.  I planned birthday parties and signed them up for soccer and softball.  I took them to practices and bandaged their scrapes.  I did, on occasion, turn things over to their dad when the blood was pouring out of their chin and I couldn't handle it.  But I stayed up in the middle of the night rocking each of the children when they couldn't sleep. I loved them no matter if they yelled and screamed at me and said they hated me.  I gave up the things that I grew up wanting so that I could stay at home and take care of them, be there for them when and if they needed me.

I made mistakes.  Yes, I did. I woke up in a bad mood on occasion and snapped at them for doing things wrong.  I pried into their lives to make sure that they were okay.  I went out with a girlfriend to a movie instead of staying home and cooking for them.  I embarrassed them by wearing goofy things in public.  I yelled at them for not obeying, and I probably spanked them in anger occasionally.  Yes, I made mistakes.  I am so sorry.

But in looking back, I never stopped loving my children - not once!  In fact, I loved all the children who came into my life.  I took each one in my arms and into my heart. I loved them and treated them as they were my own.  And maybe that was my downfall in the eyes of my children?  That they were not my EVERYTHING? Uh, well, maybe I missed something in my Psych class in college, but isn't that a wee bit narcisistic?  Isn't it a little unrealist for the happiness of a person to be solely placed on another person?  And is it possible for the Lord to place many children in my life for me to affect?  I mean isn't it possible for me to love more children than the three that were in my immediate family? And isn't it possible that the Lord placed Destiny, Malachi, and Nasya into my life for a brief period and maybe it is up to someone else to pick up where they THINK I left off? 

I want everyone to know that I did NOT abandon my children.  They may, one day, after certain circumstances arise, come to realize that my love never died or even waned.  That my heart never once forgot them. That every day I thought about them.  But my heart also yearns for the other children whose lives I've touched.  Children who needed a caretaker for just a few hours while their parents took a night away together.  A classroom of children whose eyes were focused on a picture of Jesus while I told them a story from the Bible. A baby  whose mother was at her wit's end because her little one wouldn't stop crying and I lifted that infant and rocked it to sleep.  These are all children who I have loved, even for a few minutes, and cared for as if they were my own. 

To all the special people in my life who have supported me these last few years, trying to keep my hopes high in that my children's hearts might be returned to me - thank you.  And you know what I have come to learn in the last few years?  There are other woman who feel similar things that I do.  And I have now come to a season in my life when I need to minister to those mothers out there who are confused and may question their capabilities as a mother.  I need to encourage them.  I need to love on them.  I need to listen as they pour out their fears and frustrations.  I want to celebrate these mothers EVERY day, in ministry to my Lord and Saviour who brought me through many of my own valleys.

Happy Mother's Day!

Second thoughts

Yesterday I spent a little time watching some YouTube videos and  I am so pleased that I found someone who shares my thoughts.  I'm not necessarily surprised, just thankful. So in light of the following video I am having second thoughts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jF_x8dsvb_4

So yesterday I spoke to a lady about a job.  We talked for about an hour and even though at first light I would loved to have had the job, I got a little nervous about the job.  Why?  Because it was a little out of my comfort zone. I would have to perform tasks that I had not done before.  Not that I physically couldn't perform them if properly trained.  But it wouldn't be a cake-walk. 

WOW! How lazy and spoiled am I?  

Then when I watched that video by Francis Chan I was encouraged.  The Lord is concerned about that infintessimal red part on my rope, but He sees the whole rope. And He is trying to refocus my attention to that fact as well.  What am I currently doing that truly affects my eternity?  Making sure I have time to read my latest author? Rearranging my dvd collection so I can more easily find my favorite? WHAT?!?!  And even looking at less trivial things...what does growing a few annuals on my back desk have to do with growing the kingdom of God?  What does clipping a few coupons to save a little money have to do with sharing the Lord's grace and mercy with those around me?  OK, seriously, some might argue that they COULD be putting those few dollars that they save in the collection plate at church. Yeah right!  Serioulsy?  Or are they really using it to put a little more money into a new pair of shoes or an outfit? More likely!

So today I want to start looking at my "tomorrow" in light of eternity.  How?  Focus on people and NOT things.  Concentrate on how I can bring people to Jesus not how I can bring comfort and ease to my life.  Meditate on how I can show off Jesus's work in my life, not how I can show off my latest aquisition of my ever-growing collections of movies, shoes, or kitchen gadgets.

OK - I don't want to step on anyone's toes here.  There really is nothing intrinsically wrong with any of those things. Truly, I know this.  BUT when I can't even find time to call a friend who I am concerned about because a new episode of "Buying/Selling" is on...well, that's sad.  And I challenge you to look at the same things. Please!  I know I am not the only that is guilty here.

Worship

Yesterday was a wonderful time in worship at church.  The Lord is really touching my spirit and bringing some truths into my life that I am having difficulty with.  Every have that happen to you? 

The first thing He showed me by pinching me. You know how you get when you are in the middle of singing a wonderfully worshipful song, pouring your heart out, and the Lord just pinches you and asks, "Are you really 'getting' those words?" Ouch!  Lately I have been doing quite a bit of belly-aching because of my situation. I KNOW that the Lord is there and has blessed me immensely, but do I truly believe "You give and take away...?" I guess I believe it when things are going well. But what of those times He takes away?  And how do I respond when He does take away?  Does my heart "choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name?"  Wow!  That was something that knocked me on my rear - quite literally!  I had to sit down and contemplate that before I could even return to worshipping.

What about you?  Tell me, how do you choose to bless the Lord even in the midst of your fire?  I'm curious. I know, it's easier said than done, right?

And the question I am going to take with me for the rest of the week is this, "Is God still God no matter what my circumstances?"  Well, of course He is!  But how am I reflecting that and sharing that in my every-day life?

OK...so that was a little more deep for a "daily viewpoint" (which, by the way, seems to have turned into a weekly observation) but I just needed to get that out there.

Obsessed

Ok...I'm just gonna put it out there and admit it...I am addicted to Downton Abbey.  Whew!  Boy does that feel good!  (I just hope and pray that I will incur more addicts to come out of the closet and not have judgement raining down on my beautifully coifed hair!)

Firstly, I never fancied myself a fan of that time period, but who knew that this era is very similar in its struggles and challenges?  Secondly, I didn't even know that British television had series shows!  (Who influenced whom?)  And thirdly, I have always preferred the BBC productions of my beloved Jane Austen's stories.  Why wouldn't I prefer their television?

I thoroughly enjoy getting to know each of the characters and wondering how they will react next.  I see a little of myself in each of the female characters.  Let's start with Sybil (spoiler warning!) - yes, she did die, but I loved the way she lovingly crossed all social and economic borders.  I could so see myself traipsing down that long staircase to dinner in a flamboyant outfit, just to stir up a little trouble!  Then there is Edith.  Who knew there was a witch inside such a classy woman!  I think that somehow her "evil-ness" came back around and bit her square in the rear.  BUT...there is such a compassionate side in her that sees beyond what they eye can see and looks to the heart.  I could see myself being catty toward a good friend and then turning around and assisting someone with a handicap in the hospital.  Mary is somehow like princess of the story, isn't she?  She expects things to go precisely as she demands and she pouts when someone doesn't abide her wishes.  Oh boy!  Don't even get me started on how that is so like me! (Be forewarned, Gerald.)  Lady Grantham?  Well, truth be told, she is least like me....but that's ok.  Someone has to be a little different, right? Oh, and let's not forget the dowager countess!  Violet is so spunky and forthright in every opinion.  The only difference in her and me is that she has the wisdom behind the biting comments and sarcastic quips.  I get into infinite trouble precisely because I DON'T use wisdom! 

Oh well...

So during this down time I am determined to find every book that vaguely resembles that time period - and I already have a long list - and diligently read!  Who knows, maybe I might even be able to guess, by the time the new season starts, who the next character to get killed off will be! (I must admit I hope it's that Mrs. Crawley! Why is she there anyway?)

Until the next season starts, good day to you and here's hoping you will fine a rip-roaring time between now and then!  You can be assured that I will have more to say on this subject as I watch  season 3 for the third time and read all my new wonderful books!

Gardening

Gardening is a touchy subject for me.  Touchy in that I get just a "touch" defensive when my skills, or rather lack of skills, has been called into question.  I love gardening, or at least the idea of it anyway. 

I remember when I was about twenty-two I knew how to kill any green living thing.  I then thought that if I tended toward the cactus family I would be safe.  Unfortunately, my zeal for making sure those beautiful, easy, "can't-kill-them" plants was soon put to rest when, after a mere two months, they too died.  What is it with me?  Not only did I NOT have a green thumb, mine was turning out to be black!

Well, I was determined.  I was going to make a go of this gardening thing whether it was just a few indoor plants or something outside in the jungle I fondly called a yard.  I was given a few indoor plants and by some miracle of the Lord (I really believe He was showing way more mercy than I deserved!) they not only didn't die, they did pretty well!

OK...Now the test would come.  Can I handle outdoor plants?  I was given a few perennials (which I later learned was another name for plants which were supposed to live forever) and I was tickled pink!  Good thing the flowers were pink peonies!  Those have since become one of my very favorite flowers.  They didn't do very well the first few years, but they didn't die either and I was grateful.

Now I wanted to try my hand at something I could eat - something I knew how to do with ease!  But unfortunately I didn't have the proper conditions - at least that's MY story!  I was told by some "Debby-Downers" that I wasn't capable of making a garden work, and they pretty much did everything in their power to ensure that it failed, to include placing my garden spot in the shade and then told me I needed to make it work or else I wasn't a very good gardener.

Well, I tended my garden and did my best, but it failed.  I was discouraged, to say the least.  But a few years later I tried again. 

The results of that garden, and why I even chose this subject to write about to begin with, will be in future blogposts.